So I get a call at 5:47 am to teach kindergarten. “It’s a half day but you will be paid for the full day!” the woman in charge of calling substitutes in my school district informs me. “Sweet!” I thought to myself. I got into teaching a few years ago and keeping with my” fear of commitments”, I am not a permanent teacher, just a substitute. Actually, once I got my certification to teach there became a freeze on hiring teachers. If I was religious man I would think that God was trying to tell me something, but conveniently I am not on speaking terms with God at the moment- when I get a full time job, maybe then I will talk to him again.
Anyway, there I am getting ready to go into school for my easy money making half day. I should have known I was in trouble when the lesson plans were 8 pages long- Double sided. High-lighted even before the lesson plan begins- in CAPITAL BOLD LETTERS- SEE NURSE. I go to see the nurse…”Well Joey-John and Macolany and Cynathith in the AM have diabetes and need a shot 15 minutes before snack and have to drink OJ but Joey-John can only drink the pulp and Cynathith gets the heart healthy but only a half a glass or she will convulse. Danialannalee is sensitive to peanuts but only the shell peanuts and Westanora has an abnormal fear of thunderstorms. The PM children have it worst…”
She continued to list all the inflictions these poor children would be succumbing to before the bus comes to take them home. Bus?
The school secretary chimed in “Oh yes, The AM students will be awaiting at the classroom door, but at 9:27 AM Micahedksju and Albernessy come to the office and are bussed to another school. At 10:30 the AM students pack up and go home and the PM students arrive on a bus and have to be picked up at EXACTLY 10:50AM..Now Jarcolester and Anniemarilyn and Markuserious stay over from the AM class, but any other students are still waiting to be picked up you have to bring them to the office and call home before the bus drops off the other students.” I must have looked like a deer caught in head lights because I was assured that it would all work out and to just go relax at the classroom. I still had 10 minutes before the bell rang. I got to my classroom and the door was locked. I go strolling to find the key. The janitor kept be entertained telling me the history of who pukes and who poops in their pants. Yes, what sub has to do to get into their classroom. As we turn the corner I see 17 little children crying hysterically! “What’s the matter?” I cried!
“The teacher forgot us!” they muffled through their tears.
“I am your teacher and I didn’t forget you.” I announce as if I was Superman to the rescue.
Little Jabar kicks me in the shins “Then why did you leave us in the hallway alone to get kidnapped?!” The janitor informs me that kindergarten starts 10 minutes earlier than the other grades.
Mind you I don’t even have the classroom door opened yet
I open the door and the little cherub’s almost knock me over to get to their seats and unpack. They know their routine and plow ahead. I am trying to make out this lesson plan only to notice that the kids are faster at settling in than I am at reading. I try to take attendance only to realize that I am an illiterate when it comes to pronouncing names. What happened to Mary and Johnny? Now I have Octovianna and Analissa and Gaybrealla. I finish taking attendance had ask one of the kids to take it to the office.
At that moment little girl with a name that starts with the letter X starts to cry.
“What is wrong?” I ask her.
“It’s my job to take the attendance down to the office.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“You didn’t ask.”
Okay it is going to be that kind of day! She smiles and says “Ah-choo! Ah-choo!” “Bless you, are you alright?” I ask. She gets excited and helps this girl who just came in, unpack. I was about to ask her who she was when “Puke it up Peppie”, who seems to throws up when it’s too hot, starts to gag. I managed to get him into the bathroom before it was too late.
All this before 9:00 AM.
First up-morning work, I was left a math work sheet with cent amounts for the students to work on. I hand them out and before I even got the last page handed out I see hands up.
“Yes little boy in the boy?”
“My name is Montigaincarlosabdiel.”
“Well today it’s little boy in the boy.”
“But I like and I am proud of being called Montigaincarlosabdiel.”
“Well today be proud to be called little annoying boy in the blue, now what did you want?”
“What happened to your hair?”
“Are you over 50?”
“Do you have a wife?”
“What is your favorite color?”
“Why is your shirt all wet.”
“Your hair is wet.”
And 38 more questions
The questions came faster than my brain could comprehend. There has to be a Guinness Book of records category for the most questions answered in a 30 second time period.
The coin work sheet had pictures of coins and the students had to identify the amounts...ex: 5 pennies circle the amount 6 or 5…
I figured this would give me a few minutes to look over the 8 page lesson plan…Before I could put my butt in the seat I hear some sniffles:
I look up from reading to ask, “What’s wrong?”
“We don’t know how to add!” Four of the students flood the room with their tears!
“Chill-lax” I tell them
They think this is the funniest thing they ever head and start to laugh. I am trying to get their attention and the more I try to calm them down the louder their laughing gets. Children are so funny. I am getting really flustered and trying to stay angry, but the more I get angry the harder they laugh. They think my face looks funny when I get angry and I think of Donald Duck getting angry and how I used to laugh at him. I start to laugh myself.
I try to teach them how to count but this one kid is more interested in sticking the pencil up his nose. It gets stuck. He thinks it’s hysterical. “Fine you walk around all day with a pencil hanging out of your nose and be called Pencil Nose Boy!”
“Pencil Nose Boy! HAHAHA That is funny! I’m a Pencil Nose boy!”
I send him down to the nurse with a partner.
The lesson plan had allowed 15 minutes for to execute and we were hitting 30 minutes adding pennies! I decided to move on to calendar time. If you were want to know what it is like to be a P.O.W. just try to skip a Kindergarten’s calendar time.
“We HAVE to do calendar time!!!!”
“You are SO MEAN!”
“That’s NOT how you do it!”
“We have to sing the weather song!”
“You’re not a good teacher!”
“We HATE You”
“I want to sing the days of the week song!”
“I want to do the weather!”
Needless to say these kids take calendar time pretty serious! In the middle of calendar time I get a call from the office. “You marked Nashew absent but her parents said they dropped her off this morning. Before I send out an Amber Alert can you double check?” I turn to the class “Is a Naschew here?”
“Here I am!”
“When did you get here?”
“I told you Ah-chew was here and all you said was Bless you to me! Mr. R you gotta learn to listen”
I inform the front office that she is here and a sigh of relief is heard. I ask how Pencil boy is doing and she sounds puzzled. I explain that I sent two boys down to the office about 15 minutes ago. They never arrived.
I hang up the phone and my heart sinks. I hear they names being called over the speaker. I get a call a few minutes later. They were found and the pencil was released. Seems he became the school “show and tell” stopping into all the classrooms on the way down to the nurse’s office explaining how he got the nick name “Pencil Nose boy.”
So as I try to calm down the little cherubs, they announce “IT’S SNACK TIME!!!!!” YAY!!!”
These kids can’t add 4 pennies but they know when it’s snack time. I threaten to take their snack time away if they don’t lower their voices…
“We’ll DIE without snack!”
“You’re trying to KILL US!”
Three of the kids start to cry thinking they are going to die…
“I just want to see my mommy!” Magnanagellio cries
I try to calm them down the kids down by reassuring them that they weren’t going to die. They only calm down after I trip over Nathan-Daniel back pack. Why it was in the middle of the room only the Kindergarten fairies know.
I get them calmed down and have them write the letter “Z”-TOTAL CHAOS! It amazes me that we can teach 4 year olds to program DVD players but cannot teach them how to make the letter Z. Hananyteate was making the letter “R” because they are prettier. They were making 7’s and 2’s and had no concept what a “Z” was, never mind what words started with a “Z”.
Then one pencil tip broke and the chaos continues. Who has a pencil, who doesn’t. All of a sudden the word pencil makes them all laugh and call out pencil nose boy.
FINALLY it is pack up time. You would think they were Jews escaping the German’s. I have them lines up and Manasphit and Gallaphish are staying for the afternoon class and Sassone and Teachnique are getting pick-up by their neighbor, but not the one who usually picks them up????? Anyone left over bring to the office by 10:45 but you have to be back at the door by 10:50 to pick up the PM bus load of children and you cannot leave the students who are staying from the AM session in the room alone.
So at 10:45 AM I am marching with 10 out of 16 kids who weren’t picked up and I have to be back at the door in 5 minutes…I get into the office with these little midgets and run to the other end of the school as I get half way back to the door I realize I left the two that I have to carry over from the AM to the PM session. I have to run back to the office and get the little guys, who don’t want to leave the air-conditioned office. Knowing I have less than a minute to get to the door for the bus kids I grab the two kids under my arms and take off. I feel like Rev. Scott in “The Poseidon Adventure” when he grabs Robin, the little kid, and races to safety. Unfortunately, I was three minutes late and had an angry mob waiting. “It’s hot out here.”
“Who are you?”
“Where is our REAL teacher!”
“Where’s your hair?”
And the PM session begins ... more to come from Little French Boy…
PS...Creative license has been applied
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